Staring at the Sun again...

Oh my god, I am just so fucking pissed right now. Pissed, and confused. If you don't want to hear profanity and rant, I would suggest not reading this post, okay?





Soooo.....

I had a bad day today, bright and early at 8:30.

Now I told you that the last illustration I do, flat out sucked, and I got a bad crit on it.

So I tried again. I've been trying my damn hardest to listen to what my teacher says.

Well, my damn hardest, apparently, made my teacher say about 4 times during this crit, in front of the ENTIRE FUCKING CLASS:

I can't draw. I'm poor at drawing.

Great. Not only am I still coming off of last semester that I can't ANIMATE, but apparently NOW I CAN'T FUCKING DRAW EITHER???

WHAT. THE. FUCK!???? IF I CAN'T DRAW, WHY THE FUCK WAS I ACCEPTED TO THIS SCHOOL IN THE FIRST PLACE? WHY WAS I ACCEPTED INTO ILLUSTRATION AS A TRANSFER STUDENT WITHOUT TAKING THE INTRO CLASS? WHAT THE FUCK!?

Not only that, but apparently the ONLY way I can get out of this is to "stylize the fuck" out of my stuff. He then proceeded to make a comment about some guy named Gary Baseman and how I shouldn't stylize like that.



(What he is best known for- Teacher's Pet- but he didn't draw this)



(He DID draw this though...)

Another "What the FUCK??" from me? Great, so now I'm being told the ONLY way I can do this is if I have to make my stuff look simple, perhaps cute, and over all, annoying in my eyes? This makes me think about last semester, where I was being grinded for my stylizing of things, they were HORRIBLE. And it's led me to seriously, HATE DRAWING FUCKING STYLIZED CUTE SIMPLE CRAP?

I don't want to draw like that FUCKING MORON there you just mentioned right next to my work! I don't want to draw like that, or fucking I dunno, whatever you see nowadays on Cartoon Network or what not!

I DON'T WANT TO WORK IN CARTOONS. I WANT TO WORK IN COMIC BOOKS. CONCEPT ART! SOMETHING NOT "CUTE" OR "STYLIZED"!!!

I'm not saying ALL of it is bad, I do like some artists in animation still, and I will respect (most) artists who decided that's what "they want to do", but it's just NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO.

And the best part about this? Out of that conversation, I failed to grasp as to HOW I could have any chance of changing this destiny of having to painfully stylize my work to hell which I'm been trying to get away from...

(There's a quote which sums how I feel about this decision- Al Pacino can say it very well for me from Godfather III....



"Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in!!" Hopefully my life will be minus the diabetic stroke he had moments after saying this quote.... )

What? No. I don't want to always suck at drawing/painting/illustrating. I want to get better. There is one major obstacle I'm going to have to learn to get around though. My figure/paint teacher is the exact opposite of hardcore ILL teacher, he's the kind old Scotsman who won't slam down hardcore on me EVER. He doesn't have a hardcore bone in his creaky fragile body, and I doubt he ever did.

And as for slamming down on myself 24/7 like I did last semester, that only served to make me MORE frustrated and ultimately made me PHYSICALLY SICK.

I don't know. But I need a second opinion, but I'm not sure where to get it from quite yet. This guy is seriously starting to depress and frustrate me, and when that happens ALL my classes will suffer yet again. NO. NEVER AGAIN.

It makes me think of another scene...sorta....although from Godfather II...



(I'm not sure what side I'm on though- I mean, I really like Michael because he wants his family to stay together, but at the same time....ehhhh...he was doing bad things so it's...debatable....I wonder which way it'll swing this time for me?)

I don't know. I don't expect replies to this. This is just brutal me again. But this is the way I deal, and I will not stay silent anymore. Seriously...if you think I'm a timid mouse or some slave that'll "yes suh" "no suh" you till the cows come home...THINK AGAIN!

Now I have to think about this during the rest of my day, where I have yet another crit to go through....GAWD DAMMIT.... Buy me a bottle of vodka and a bunch of Cuban cigars. Right now. I need to blur this out of my head some before it drives me insane because I'm expected to be over critical of myself.

FRAGGIN FRAG FRAG FRAG!!!!!

Lately I've been feeling more than frustrated...it might be a good sign that I'm actually starting to break through that "wall" I've been stuck behind for the past 6 months or so art wise- that I realize that I am not hot cakes when it comes to my work- but I'm okay with that despite popular teacher opinion breathing their hot breath down my neck.

I've been reading a lot of comic books lately when I have a moment or two, looking at the artwork....in particular, I'm still looking at Bisley's work. Slowly I'm working on acquiring scans of every single fraggin Lobo comic out there.



Lobo's such a great character. I'm a sucker for anti-heroes...Wolverine...Batman....etc,etc. But Lobo. OMG. He beats them all. He's like Wolverine+Immortality+Biker+the belief that he is the best in the world. He kinda reminds me of my character Matt Barton. They're alike at their most nitty gritty...they're both muscleheaded assholes who like extreme acts of violence...but...it stops there, the details aren't the same. Lobo's a bounty hunter who is also was born a psychopath who killed off his own species for fun. Matt was born human, and chose to embrace his more demonic side (through blood)...also a psychopath, but he will not kill off ALL of his own race as then he would lose his source of entertainment....

Science would describe Lobo, as "primary psychopathy"- biologically caused- born that way.

Matt would be "secondary psychopathy"- a result of not only genetics, but also the enviromental he was surrounded by...he was molded slowly into a demonic being of a man(?)

This is all theoretical of course....I mean...I can't compare my own characters to freaking....the freakin Main Man...he's just too awesome for that. So yeah.

Dunno. Just thought about writing about what I've been up to aside from work. Yay.